Wednesday, September 19, 2007

How Am I Doing?

I've recently said goodbye to a baby I couldn't wait to meet, and celebrated two full and lively years of another son's life. I've said goodbye to the friends who have walked this harrowing path with me, and I've also seen God's provision as I've welcomed new friends I didn't know I had. I moved out of the biggest home I'll ever live in and moved into an apartment where mold needed to be cleaned off the walls, and I can't walk across the (unpaved) street without dodging 3 buses and 30 rickshaws. I also just attempted to make sour cream (one of the foods I miss the most) and blew up a glass bowl in my (very small) kitchen.

So, how am I doing? I'm sad this will all be ending soon and tired and hopeful and sentimental and happy and anxious and excited to come home. And I still don't have any sour cream.

In a country where the God I know and worship and love is sometimes hard to find, I have had to face many doubts of faith. What makes my belief system different than that of these people whose spiritual lives seem so futile and ludicrous? I have had some doubts that are easily brushed aside, and some that linger a little longer, begging some more serious thought and prayer.

The one thing that can dispel any insecurities arising from these questions is God's evident work in my life. The joy of the Lord is my strength. That has been by mantra in these recent days - my answer to the question, "How am I doing?" Sometimes it is a victorious declaration, as I reflect on the deep joy I honestly have in moments when my world makes even less sense than normal. Sometimes it is a pleading reminder that the joy of the Lord is constant and there for the clinging when my world is unraveling.

But, for me, the very fact that God has put this song in my heart - [i]the joy of the Lord is my strength[/i] - is evidence enough of His existence, power, love, and sovereignty.

Now, with all that being said, you can pray for Sy's safety around the glass shards I might have missed, and for my peace of mind - for the Lord's joy in my heart - as Ben travels this week.

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