sprayed

im sitting in the airport en route to a magnificent anniversary/birthday vacation with my man. The vacation that I've been working out for, turning down (some) sweets for, and shopping for like I'm the newest cast member of Real Housewives of Southern Ohio. I'm manied, pedied, waxed, toned, and styled for an entire week without a sippy cup or diaper. And one more thing: I'm sprayed.

I ran off last night to get a spray tan. My shockingly pale rationale went something like this:I might be more disciplined with the sunscreen if I'm already a little darker shade of white. Being a google-research junkie and a spray-tan (or any kind of tan) novice, I watched a video on the Internet about what to expect.

I learned that I need to be clean, which is a feat in itself. I learned that when I got there I should rub the all-important barrier cream everywhere, especially my hands and feet. I learned that they'd give me a hair net, nostril filters (so I wouldn't suffocate) and eye wear (so I wouldn't go blind).

So off I went, very nervous that I'd end up either 1) orange 2) streaky 3) suffocated 4) blind or 5) on a creepy Internet video.

The leathery tan lady took me through a maze of shady rooms (the kind that look apt for creepy Internet videos) to the spray tan booth. She told me what to do but once I realized there was no nostril filters or eyewear, I stopped being able to pay attention. I scanned the ceiling for cameras, stripped down, covered my hair and hopped into the phone booth.

With visions of Ross Gellar's disasterous spray tan in my mind, I pushed the button. And then I realized I'd forgotten the lotion! I panicked. I almost bailed. I felt claustrophobic. I started to shake, but I'd already paid, and if I didn't close my eyes and hold my breath, I was likely to drown in brown spray paint.

Unlike Ross, I remembered to turn. But I was freaking out about my hands, my feet, and being butt naked in a small place while I suffered some major anxiety.

I hopped out of the booth, scrubbed the drips off me and ran to the bathroom to was my hands and feet. I was still shaking most of the way home.

But, I'm not orange. My hands and feet are ok, and I can see. I guess it wasn't so bad. Mondays are only $10, maybe I'll be back to maintain my fake glow.