Every mother knows that being a mommy means feeling guilty a good chunk of the time. I feel guilty when I am too harsh, and I feel guilty when I'm a pushover, and it is dang hard to fall somewhere in between the two. I feel guilty when work/school/other adult interests take me away from bedtime/mealtime/snuggle time and I feel guilty when I neglect being an actually fully-functioning adult so that I can attempt to be the world's most perfect mother.
I feel guilty when Sy watches too much tv. I feel guilty when Taly contentedly stares into space for 20 minutes without me goo-ing and ga-ing into her face (even though she's probably just pooping and wants to be left alone). I feel guilty when I can't get it together enough to take a shower. I feel guilty when I stick Ben with the kids so I can take a shower in peace. I feel guilty when I don't know the answers to Sy's questions even when they're stupid. (And yes, there are stupid questions - I'm sorry, but it's true).
So, now I have the two most adorable guilt-inducing creatures ever. Because they are so precious, I want to be all the more perfect for them. But, even in my quest for perfection, I get bored out of my mind, more exhausted than I can fathom, and so so exasperated with having to sit on my couch all day so I can keep bouncing the bouncy chair.
Having two guilt-inducers means more guilt because they really both prefer to have 100% of my attention 100% of the time. Actually, I think they'd both settle for 75% of the time, but as you can see, the math still doesn't work out for that to be possible. So, I try to fake them out, and thus assuage my guilt.
Here are the tactics that I've been practicing so far:
I try to convince Simon to play "Rock the Baby," where we both quietly rock our babies in the dark basement. This lasts about 5 minutes tops.
I try to convince Simon to let me read to him while I rock Talya. This sometimes works great, but usually results in Simon climbing in and out of the chair himself, hitting, stepping on or otherwise roughing up his 3-week-old sister in the process.
I try to focus on having a great conversation with Simon, answering all of his questions in the most sing-songy baby-soothing voice possible so Talya thinks I'm talking to her.
Oh, when all else fails, I put in a movie.
And thus the guilt continues.
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I feel guilty today because I talked to my friend on the phone (she called...See how I have to justify how it wasn't me who called her)during my usual playtime with Shane and he happily read books and filled cups with water as my guilt-induced brain didn't allow me to fully hear the convo on the phone. And then I served my husband a sorry lunch that left him hungry though he'll never say a word. Maybe if we keep talking about it though, we'll see how very not alone we are in our guilt.
This past year I have learned to give up the guilt! Well, not entirely...I'm just better at ignoring it I suppose! I have realized the importance of doing what it takes to keep myself sane! If that's cartoon hour, so be it! If mama ain't sane, ain't nobody sane...no wait...it's really if mana ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! Happiness/sanity...all the same when you have little people to attend to all day long! I pray you can look past the guiltiness and just enjoy!!!
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