My Paper Pregnancy: Hearing the Heartbeat

So, you know when you first find out that you're pregnant? In case you don't know or don't remember, let me remind you.

Whether or not you were planning/hoping for the pregnancy, your mind plays tricks with you for weeks. You're "late," but couldn't that be stress? Or the fact that you drank too much Diet Coke this month? You start to feel nauseous... or is it gassy? Do your boobs hurt or is it just your imagination? You debate taking a pregnancy test, but since you're pretty sure it's all in your head, you decide to wait. Those things cost like ten bucks, so you don't use them lightly.

Finally, you pee on the stick.

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, those are two blue lines!!!!! Wait, is it supposed to be two blue lines or 1 purple line? Or a plus sign? You quick grab the directions, realize they don't make sense and make your husband go buy the digital test. And, finally, finally, there it is in black and gray: PREGNANT.

You freak out, call your mom, name the baby, swear off Diet Coke (okay just one more), take 4 pre-natal vitamins to counteract the Diet Coke, and decide, yes you are nauseous and you should probably just go to bed and take it easy for at least 3 months.

You begin telling people the good news and are surprised how many people respond with, "So did the doctor confirm it?" You try to explain to these insensitive, uninformed, well-meaning people that all the doctor is going to do is tell you to pee on the stick, but then you start to wonder...

Maybe it was gas, and stress, and Diet Coke overload turned to withdrawal. Maybe you're not pregnant. The screens on those digital tests kind are, like, super-tiny, and no bloated, stressed-out, hormonal, possibly pregnant person could possibly be expected to read it.

So, you call the doctor. She says, "Well, did you pee on the stick?" Yes, you're pretty sure that it was positive. "Okay," she says, "I'll see you in 4 weeks."

So, that's that. You're pregnant. You are pretty sure you're pregnant. The constant feeling of wanting to puke is beginning to take over - you ARE pregnant.

But, then, it's 4 weeks later. Four weeks of pukey-ness and saltines, and awkward conversations with people about how you found out you were pregnant. You go to the doctor and she gets out the doppler thing, and just when you begin to wonder how in the world doppler can predict the weather and record a heartbeat, you hear it - the sound of galloping horses amidst an ocean of woosh-woosh-wooshing.

You giggle and cry, because that is the moment that the pregnancy is more than a bundle of nerves and hormones. Hearing the heartbeat reminds you that there is an actual BABY! You can't see the baby, you nothing about it, but you know it's there!

Okay, so remember that?

That's what it's like to get your APPROVAL in your paper pregnancy. You wait and wait, going back and forth between believing a baby is coming and feeling pretty darn sure it's all going to fall through, and then you get ONE EMAIL that reads like a galloping, wooshing, beating heart.

And you realize - Oh My Gosh, a baby is coming!

I cannot wait for the "ultrasound," when I see his picture for the first time.


So, in all of that, in case I wasn't clear - WE GOT OUR APPROVAL TODAY!

I hope your Thanksgiving was just as full with reasons to give thanks!

Since you asked....

A growing belly invites the standard questions:
When are you due?(June)
Boy or Girl? (Girl)
Have you picked a name? (Talya Katherine)
Is this your first or second? (?????)

And that's where I freeze. It's a question that I've stumbled around since first breaking the news about that joyous pink line. And now that I'm getting much more obviously pregnant, I'm running into the question more and more, and I have to admit it's not getting easier. (Maybe you've been through this - does it get easier?)

This is what I say: "I have a two-year-old son."

This is what I want to say:

This was my third positive pregnancy test. The third time I've felt life move within my own body. The third time I've thrown up for no apparent reason. The third time I've gone months without a Diet Coke. The third time I've prayed about a name. This will be the third child that will come out of my body only with pain and pushing. The third time I've waited expectantly for "It's a ______!" But this will be my second season of sleepless nights and nursing even though I hate it only because it's good for this little creature I love. This will my second time spending way too much money at Babies R Us and my second time setting up a crib. This will be the second time I get to comfort a little one with a song because she won't know I have a terrible voice.

This is my third, but the second I'll get to rock in my arms, nurse at my breast, and lay down to sleep in my very own house.

So, maybe you've been through this - answering this question that seems weird only to you. I still get tongue-tied as I think of the right way to answer. I don't want the asker to feel uncomfortable or like they've stepped on a touchy subject. I just don't want to give a socially acceptable answer that cheats my sweet second baby out of the truth of his life, even though it was way too short.

Just my thoughts for the day. Now it's time to get my sweet first baby up from his nap.

Big Brother

Sy has been hearing all about how he's a big brother for nearly a year now, since our pregnancy with Elijah. Now, he's finally getting to experience the reality of what is happening, as he watches Mommy's tummy grow. He loves to play with his baby sister - mainly by pushing my now-outie belly button in, and watching her "kick it back out." He is most excited about having someone share the backseat with him, as we have told him that the baby's car seat will go next to his. What a joy to watch!

Interesting Article on Fertility

Fat, Carbs, and the Science of Conception
This is a somewhat surprising article on how diet affects fertility. Bottom line - healthy woman (and probably man) equals better chances of conception, especially if conception problems are related to ovulatory infertility, which account for at least one quarter of all fertility problems.
I found this obvious-sounding study interesting because after having a lot of trouble getting pregnant with Simon, I got pregnant twice in India, and experienced more regular cycles in general (sorry to any of my brothers who might read this and find it to be too much info). As I read this article, a lot of things clicked for me. Even though I was relatively healthy while living in the States, and tried to follow appropriate healthy advice on slow carbs, etc., there were some changes that were inadvertently made to my diet that I believe really helped me from a reproductive standpoint.
First, almost all dairy I ate was full-fat. I ate less dairy in general, but all butter, milk, cheese, and ice cream had more fat in it than the healthy choices I had made back home - skim milk, low-fat ice cream, fat-free cottage cheese, fat-free yogurt, etc. And, while these choices may be healthier in general, it turns out that if you are trying to get pregnant, full-fat dairy is the way to go.
Also, I ate less red meat (when you see the cows eating garbage, you are less inclined to eat the cow), and all of my food was "natural" (sometimes too natural in my opinion), leading to less trans-fats, hormones, and other things that could mess with my body trying to do its job.
The interesting thing about my diet in India was that it felt less healthy. Steph and I made desserts more than Sarah Lee, and we cooked with butter all the time. But, since even these bad things were natural, I think it had a positive affect on my general health - and apparently on my ability to get pregnant!

The Latest

Some highlights: 1st trimester - OVER! Baby's Heartbeat - Beautiful! Winter - Freezing! Sleeping - Finally!

We're adjusting back to life in America - where it's cold and expensive, but so fun to be home. We've bought coats, gloves, shoes, and lots of chips and salsa. I've checked taco bell, real mexican food, bagels, bacon, sausage, Chili's, and hoagies off of my list, and now I'm attempting to feed the baby some healthy food.

We had a great vacation in the Poconos with Ben's family, and it was so fun to just relax, play X-Box, and crank up the heat in a house that we weren't paying the utilities on. It was the first (and last) time I've been warm since landing here. Sy is having a great time with family, but I think the homelessness is taking a slight toll on him. It would probably be good for him to experience boredom once in a while again - I'm sure the time will come for that.


Ben is busy visiting supporters, thanking them for their faithfulness to us. Can you believe we've been on staff for 5 years, and there are about 60 people who have been on our ministry team from the beginning until now? That's truly something to wonder at, when we think back to how scary those initial days of support-raising were, when we wondered if anyone would ever want to help us.

Ben and I just had a great date in NYC last night - it was so cold, but we saw the tree at Rockefeller Center and really enjoyed going to church at Times Square Church. It's such a unique local church, and it was so fun for both of us to be able to sing and listen to the sermon since Ben's mom kept Sy for us.

Today I Cracked

It's been over a year since I moved to India, and I must say, I've handled it like a champ thank you very much. Oh, I've had my moments, but I have held it together very well considering I am a foreigner in a chaotic, congested city where none of my rules apply.

Like this week. Ben has to go out of town again. Normally, that would make me upset. This time, I just say, it's okay, I'll be fine. And I meant it, which is the strange part.

Well, today, my composure left me. I'm blaming it on the hormones of pregnancy compounded by the anxiety of being on my own.

I was on my way home from a nice outing with Jen and Addie (whose arrival in Bangalore has been a significant blessing for me) in a rickshaw with Simon. Ben had made me promise that I'd just call a car, but I was feeling cheap, stubborn, and like I needed some fresh air.

I agreed to pay 150 rupees to an auto driver to take me home, which is not the worst rip-off in history, but more than generous. As we headed out, it became clear that my driver did not know where he was going, which was a problem because I wasn't too sure either. But, I had an idea, so I yelled at him for agreeing to take me to Ramamurthynagar when he didn't know how to get there, and I decided I'd be fine, because I was pretty sure I could figure it out.

I began to creep over the edge when we got to the road I knew we should take and it was closed. The guy kept driving, but he didn't know where he was. I called Ben (this is where the tears started to set in) and he told me I should get out and get a new auto. So, I climb out, hand the guy 100 rupees (I thought that was fair considering I wasn't home), gather Simon and our bags and walk over to a waiting gang of autos. One guy agrees to take me, but not before driver #1 comes up to get the rest of his money. Now, I am sitting in an auto in who-knows-where, surrounded by 6 auto drivers who all want me to give the guy more money. But I didn't have any small bills, and I didn't want to rifle through my wallet while they all watched.

So, I started crying. I wasn't scared. I was mad, tired, pregnant, frustrated, and just generally over it.

That was the moment I was supposed to have in my first week here, not my last. But after a year of keeping my cool, I thoroughly embarrassed myself in the middle of a road somewhere in Bangalore. Simon found it all very curious.

As I was crying, my new driver had mercy on me and drove me away from the giggling crowd, and he got the 50 rupees I was supposed to give driver #1.

Loving "Life"

I'm pregnant.

It's the second time in 6 months I've made that announcement, as we lost Baby Elijah about half-way through that pregnancy. So, obviously, I am so nervous. Will I get to be excited for a whole 9 months, or will I soon be crying in a doctor's office? And maybe I shouldn't tell people, and should I have waited to tell Simon, and is it okay to ride in a rickshaw, and will people think we were too eager to "replace" Elijah, and should I even buy maternity clothes this time?

So here are my answers: I don't know. I don't know. Why not? No. Yes. Probably not. Only if I look good in them.

I don't know if I will get to meet Baby, or if I'll get to bring him home, or if I'll have to break bad news on the heels of good.

But I know God's given me a Life to cherish, and I will - I am for as long as I have him (or her! or them!) with me.

Thanks for celebrating with me!

Elijah Sthothram Thomas

For over four months, we expectantly waited to meet our baby, and Simon loved talking to my belly, and kissing the baby. So, it was with great sadness that we learned at a routine check-up that our sweet baby had been taken to heaven. I was admitted to the hospital to deliver him, and we named him Elijah because he was taken to heaven in a whirlwind. His middle name, Sthothram, is Malayalm for "Praise the Lord," and throughout the pregnancy, when we would ask Sy what we should call the baby, he would always respond with "Praise the Lord!"

How sweet it is to be reminded by our first son to praise the Lord for the life of our second son, even through our grief. If you ask Simon, he will tell you that Baby Elijah is in heaven with "Je-Je," and we look forward to learning together with him more about our eternal home.

There are so many emotions right now, and lessons and truths that we cling to each day. One of the most humbling thoughts, though, is that the son we were supposed to teach about Jesus now knows more about him than we could ever hope to this side of heaven.

We are so thankful for your support and prayers during this time. We know we are not the first to exerience this very tragedy, and we are thankful for everyone that has chosen small ways to share the grief with us. Thank you for the calls, emails, tears, and prayers - we do find comfort in all of them, even from this side of the world.

Now for something more light-hearted

Today Sy was eating a banana and decided to share with the baby, so he lifted my shirt and mashed the banana in my belly button! It was pretty funny!

Pregnant in India .... Again

It was over two years ago when I was here in Bangalore, 7 weeks pregnant, suffering through morning sickness when I swore I would never do this again! Of course I've learned to never say 'never,' and I'm learning not to make any declarations in the first trimester, when I'm suffering through two and a half months of horridness!

Here I am again, 7 weeks pregnant with baby #2 in Bangalore. The thing is I'd be miserable anywhere, so I'm not faulting India for how I feel, although a nice Ohio May seems pretty good to me right now. BUT, I have to admit, this is the first time I'm REALLY missing home. And, not to sound shallow, but here's what I miss:
chili cheese burritos from taco bell
salad (ceasar, greek, spinach, whatever)
onion rings
broccoli
chips and salsa
chick-fillet
chineese food (the good fake kind, not the kind they actually make here in Asia)
Tropical Smoothie (although Ben's been working wonders with our blender)

With Simon I never had any cravings, and this time I think it's probably way too early for cravings, but I am dreaming about food a lot.

So, that's the way it goes, I guess! Thanks to Steph and Ben for taking care of me! And, Sy is already talking to the baby - way too cute.