Healthy Living - a rant.

I swear it wasn't a new year's resolution, so much as an impending deadline that caused me to make some changes in my life. They included "healthier" eating and a focused commitment to working out.

Before you get all huffy with me about my body image, let me admit that I know I am vain and shallow. I also realize that I'm not fat, and I don't think I'm fat. I am, however, what some might term "fat-skinny," which means I'm a fat person trapped into a skinny person's body. Like, basically I eat crap and am completely out of shape but I let myself off the hook because I'm sort of slim. I was okay with that until I started morphing into "fat-kind-of-skinny," and then into "fat-used-to-be-skinny."

So, in September, I started working out. I started going to classes so that I wouldn't fall into my usual fitness rut of gingerly tapping on the elliptical until I started to sweat and then hopping off with self-satisfied smugness.  Fully aware of my limitations, I didn't attempt to factor good eating habits into my new routine. I told myself that I was "preparing my body" for being healthy. Haha - doesn't that sound genius?

Really, I just knew my will power was no match for Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I promised that in January I'd kick it into gear.

Why? Because in March, Ben and I are getting on a plane and heading to Hawaii for an early celebration of our 10th anniversary. (Yes, my very important husband leaves me too much for his job, but I've been a supportive wife and my reward is that all those frequent flier miles are paying for my vacation.) I'm so excited that I'm already sad it's going to be over.

I have one goal in mind: to look good on the beach. Yes, shallow and vain, right here. Blah blah, I know, I know. But really, there was a day where I did look good in a bikini. Not, not bad, but good. I'd show you pictures to prove it, but that's just creepy. And I've had babies, nursed them and just as I was getting my body back to normal tried to induce lactation for adoption. (Unsuccessful, by the way.)  All that to say, my fat-skinny body just got a little.... not sure the word for it, but "lumpy" comes to mind as does "droopy," "sad," and "squishy."

It's February, and I have to say I've been doing pretty well. I've made some good choices. I stopped going to senior-citizen water aerobics and started focusing on exercise more likely to make a caloric impact. I met with the fitness counselor at the Y and came up with a game plan. I even let her measure me and pinch me with those horrible, horrible fat pinchers. She jiggled them to "separate the fat from the muscle," or "separate my dignity from my soul," not sure which. It turns out that I've made progress, but have "very poor" flexibility, so I've even gone to yoga. (once.)

I've cut out snacks and desserts... well you know, except on "special occasions," like birthdays and tuesdays. I've avoided the doughnut tray at church, which might be my arch-nemesis. I've eaten an inhumane amount of oatmeal for breakfast while I flip chocolate chip pancakes for the kids.

But, here it is, February 3 and I can feel myself falling off the wagon. It's cold out and I'm sick and my kid's school keeps canceling and hummus just isn't cutting it. I've spent a large amount of my discretionary "Susie Envelope" on Diet Cokes at McDonalds (because since "I don't drink Diet Coke" I don't buy it at the grocery store). I baked cinnamon rolls yesterday and I can't keep my mitts out of them.

Ugh.

Then, this magazine came in the mail:

Doesn't it make healthy eating look yummy and fresh and modern and even pretty? Like I could just make myself a cute smoothie, stick an avocado slice in it, and enjoy my new lifestyle? Well, I settled in with that magazine today and let me tell you, now I'm really discouraged. This magazine, along with Dr. Oz and freaking Oprah, tell me that I actually need to rid myself of Diet Coke, along with all that is yummy and eat things that don't taste good.

Then, they take a pretty picture of it so I'll think that it'll be fun.

Well, I'm too smart for that. I've watched the Food Network shows on Food Stylists and I know that pretty food is not necessarily yummy food.

I need encouragement, so you need to comment, but there are rules:

• No telling me I'm skinny. Whatever. It's my white tummy and tushy that are going to be bared on the beach, so we'll just let me decide, mmmkay?
• No encouraging me to eat a jar of icing. (you know who you are!) The temptation is already too great.
• Recipes would be reallllly helpful.
• Only yummy recipes.
• No telling me to stop drinking Diet Coke. I'm trying, really, and I'm not easily scared by stories of chemicals. If it hasn't worked on hot dogs and Taco Bell, it's not going to work on Diet Coke.
• Feel free to remind me how many days are left until my March 20 vacation and that spring really is coming.

Thanks. What would I do without you?